You know how when your kids get older, they want you to stay away from them in public so you don’t embarrass them? I distinctly remember wanting my mom to park at the VERY end of the pick up line when I was a freshman in high school because she was always singing and dancing in the car while waiting and I was paranoid someone would see. Because obviously your life is ruined if you mom sings Hootie and the Blowfish, right? Well the more experience I have with raising a kid, the more gung ho I am about making your kids deal with your embarrassing habits and suck it up, because guess what? It is sweet sweet revenge. Revenge for the millions of times they embarrassed you in public when they were younger. Unfortunately you don’t have the option of telling your two year old to go to the opposite end of the check out line so no one will know he is yours. Therefore, when he turns 16, he can’t pretend you are not his.
In the last month alone I can count three times I wanted to do a combination of melting into an invisible puddle and laughing hysterically. Two instances happened today. The first was a few months ago. We were strolling through the mall and an older lady was walking towards us dressed head to toe in yellow. I’m talking BRIGHT yellow. A complete pants suit. With yellow heels and a yellow hat. She was also very, uh, sturdy, and easily towered over me. For one reason or another, she decided to say hi to Liam. Liam is usually very outgoing and will immediately put his hand on his chest and say, “Me Liam”, caveman style. This time he started screaming, clinging to my leg and yelling, “Wook! Help mama! Big bad banana!!!”. People were staring, because he was screaming like someone was pinching him. The Bad Banana Lady gave us the dirtiest look I’ve seen in awhile and stormed past us. Liam, relieved, let go of my leg and said, “Whew, all gone.”
The next two were today at Costco. We were walking to get eggs when a woman on one of those motorized scooter things whizzed by us. Liam yelled very loudly, “Wook! It’s the big sick lady on Wall-E!”. Apparently she very much resembled one of the boneless meal drinking people on the hovercraft things on Wall-E. He would NOT stop talking about it and of course she happened to be on every aisle we needed to go down. I was very relieved when we finally got to the check out line. Liam likes to push the cart onto one side of the register while I stand on the other to pay. The woman boxing things up was talking to him and he was chattering away. Suddenly, I hear him go “Wook! HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” in his crazy little laugh. My heart sank because I know that laugh. That is the laugh of his latest and greatest joke he’s picked up since potty training. I’ve been doing my best to ignore it in hopes he would stop and never do it in public but obviously that didn’t work. I meekly peered over the register to find my son standing with his hands on his hips, front of his waistband pulled down and tucked so he was dangling out for all to see. “Wook! Peeking!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”. I silently vowed to kill Shaun for laughing the first time he ever did that, because if he hadn’t, maybe this public display of two year old glory wouldn’t be happening. I don’t think I’ve ever moved around a register so fast, but I’m pretty sure he was only exposed to air for maybe 5 seconds before I grabbed him. Fortunately the bagger had two boys of her own and didn’t seem too traumatized, but I’d be lying if I’m not considering making my kid wear diapers again.
Wish me luck because when he wakes up, we have to go to Target. Sigh.
Maybe if I disguise him enough, someone will just think he’s a random awkward man?
Thank you for that! 🙂 I laughed so hard I cried. The Banana Lady… Oh, my! And, I am, unfortunately, familiar with this “peeking” trick you write of. Luckily, its never been performed in public. Knock on wood!!!
I guess I should speak only for myself, else it will be mutiny!
Dude, you’re hilarious. Seriously. When you get a book deal, be sure to mention me in the acknowledgements. (And yes, Darren, I’m awaiting my chocolate.)
It’s just dumb luck that my child hasn’t done something like this yet. I’m sure it’s just a matter of time though. Aren’t boys fun?!?
Or something.
:p
Gee, Kecia, I *am* kinda thirsty, now that you bring it up. Thanks for the laugh, Alicia! From what I’ve read about Liam, he’s got a great sense of humor. Just be happy he wasn’t doing a little belly dance there in Costco while showing off ;).
Hey!!! [yelling at Darren] Who you calling dry? Heather, Jennie and I are highly insulted (this will cost you chocolate!) and I’m sure Marvin is rolling over in his little fishy grave somewhere. But seriously, thanks for the belly laugh, Alicia! Boys are crazy and will do (and say) stuff that most girls would never dream of!
I laughed. It’s a good thing that you have this written down. These are the best stories to haul out when the kids are adults, especially in front of girlfriends, boyfriends or spouses. We love to give each other grief when we get together.
LOL! Thanks for the laugh. 😀
I can relate! My now 5 year old son likes to be brutally honest 🙁 about others appreances. He has on occassion yelled his opinion of whomever is taking our money at the drive through window appearance. Apparently this kid wants a side of spit with his nuggets. At least you can say he is only two 🙂
I wrote this nice response and forgot to include my email address. Needless to say when I hit enter, an error popped up and I lost my entire comment!
Wow! Liam has earned some dancing and singing from you while in front of his friends when the time comes!
The bad banana lady is hilarious! Reminds me of a Disney sitcom called “Jessie.” One of the characters had a friend who dressed as the banana lady. And lastly, your little one’s glory for all to see is too funny! I would have turned red…and I’m black LOL! Thanks for sharing!
My girls are still at the point of wanting me around thankfully. They are 6 and 3. I know that will change in a blink of an eye though.
Oh man, I feel your pain! When my oldest was preschool-aged, we were standing in line at the pharmacy at Target when he pointed out (very loudly of course), that the lady in line in front of us was brown like his Pappy. My FIL is my husband’s stepfather and is from India, and his skin is indeed very dark. Ours is not (in fact, he asked his Pappy once how he could get brown skin like him). I was very embarrassed and told him to hush. But you know what? That lady, God bless her, turned around and kindly explained to my son why her skin was dark like his Pappy’s. She wasn’t at all offended, like I’d feared, and turned what had been a very embarrassing situation into a learning opportunity for my son. Of course not five minutes later he made the same observation about a cashier at one of the check outs who did not appear at all amused by his honest observation. Oh well. You win some and you lose some, I guess.
One day you’ll laugh…I promise! 🙂
Great blog, thanks Alicia! We have been averaging over 5000 unique readers a day, so please don’t be discouraged over how few comments we receive:-) Given how dry most of our blogs are, we need some funny ones to break them up!
AHAHAHAHAHA I’m DYING at the big bad banana!
Little boys are the best. Just laugh and you won’t cry!
I *promise* some day all of this will be very funny. And you have lots of great stories to tell his teenage friends when they come over. 😉