One day, an old man was walking along a beach that was littered with thousands of starfish that had been washed ashore by the high tide. As he walked he came upon a young boy who was eagerly throwing the starfish back into the ocean, one by one.
Puzzled, the man looked at the boy and asked what he was doing. Without looking up from his task, the boy simply replied, “I’m saving these starfish, Sir”.
The old man chuckled aloud, “Son, there are thousands of starfish and only one of you. What difference can you make?”
The boy picked up a starfish, gently tossed it into the water, and turning to the old man, said, “I made a difference to that one!”
This short parable nicely sums up how I feel about child passenger safety education. After having been an Emergency Medical Technician and 911 Dispatcher for many years, and witnessing the sad aftermath of improperly or unrestrained children, I decided to become a Child Passenger Safety Technician (CPST) in 2009. Over the last decade, in my role as a full-time civilian police department employee, as a CPS Tech offering private car seat checks, and as an active volunteer with local CPS agencies, I’ve educated many, many parents in person, online and over the phone.
My goal has always been to appreciate each success, or “starfish”. I know that I’ll never save every single one. I’ve also learned I need to meet parents where they are and that success is subjective. Making a child safER is a win in my book. If I wasn’t able to convince a parent to switch their 25-month-old back to rear-facing, but I was able to teach her to properly install the seat forward-facing, understand the importance of a top tether, snug up the harness to pass the pinch test, and when and how to move the harness straps up, then her child wins. It may not be best practice, but it’s certainly a much safer one than a forward-facing but improperly installed and fitted seat. And added to that is the knowledge that the parent knows I respect her choices, and that she will feel free to seek out future advice from me. Every single one of those is a positive point.
This is how I educate and advocate for CPS on a daily basis. This is how most techs I know conduct themselves. Lately, though, with the advent of Facebook CPS groups, there’s been a shift. Many CPS ‘advocates’ and newer, less seasoned CPSTs lacking real-world experience, are educating in a ‘do or die’ way. A CPST friend referred to this group as zealots, and this is a very accurate description.
The CPS zealot believes that there are no exceptions. The absolute maximum best practice must be followed at all times. If a driver can’t fit all of the children in rear-facing seats, they must buy a new vehicle or stay home. Caregivers must spend money they don’t have or can’t spare to buy longer-lasting seats if their child is under 4 and they’ve outgrown the rear-facing limit. The parent of an 11-year old who can’t quite pass the 5-step test is forced to put them into a booster. A zealot sees black and white, in a world where there are thousands of other shades of colors. A zealot believes if they say it, you must do it.
Why is this a problem? Well, life is rarely ever black and white. These zealots are fear-mongering, turning off parents to hearing what true CPS advocates and many of my respected colleagues have to share. They push parents to get them to act in the way the zealot believes is the ONLY way. This is not advocacy. It’s bullying.
I’d love to see a culture change. From those who are fanatical and uncompromising to advocates that approach instead with zeal. To be a positive role model. To be the person who parents want to come back to again and again with questions because they feel unjudged and welcome. To consider that if they are too reproachful with parents and caregivers, they might win a ‘battle’ perhaps, but the ultimate war will be lost. Opportunities for education, and making children safer, will be closed to all of us with some parents. And that isn’t our goal.
I hope if you’re a zealot, you’ll read this and know that I understand where you’re coming from even if I abhor your approach. I want to see all kids as safe as possible too. I’m kept awake by the local news that another child was killed because she was unrestrained. I become physically ill when I see a picture of a friend’s small child in an ill-fitting seat belt without a booster in my Facebook feed. I’m frustrated when a parent HAS an appropriate seat that isn’t maxed out, but chooses not to continue to rear-face for reasons they can’t explain. Some nights I do lie in my bed and cry because it seems like we are not getting anywhere. Beautiful children are still dying. I get it, truly I do. But I know becoming a zealot won’t change those things.
Instead, I do my best to gain the trust and respect of all parents I come in contact with. I accept that my job is to educate, and it’s a parents’ job to decide. I give them the best option, and when that isn’t their choice, I give them every other possible option that leaves the child safER than they were when we started. Little steps, sometimes.
One starfish at a time. I know I won’t make a difference to all of them, but I know I surely helped ‘that one’.
Coleen Fitch is a stepmom and mom who developed her passion for keeping kids safe in the car during her many years in public safety. She is a former EMT and 911 Dispatcher who, for the past 14 years, has worked as a full-time civilian employee for local police in the Traffic Division. She became certified as a Child Passenger Safety Technician in 2009 and is the owner of Little Riders LLC, a child passenger safety education and installation service. Coleen is a long-time contributor to the car-seat.org forums, and an active CPS advocate and volunteer in her community. She lives in southern CT with her family and their dog Scooby.
As a parent with no special knowledge of car seats, other then the research I do to educate my self as best as possible, I was struggling with my first child when we moved him from the infant carrier to the rear facing convertible. He hated it and screamed and cried everytime I tried to put him in it. One day this was happening in the Target parking lot and a VERY kind woman approached me and introduced herself as a CPST and asked very gingerly if she could suggest a change that might help me. I was a little put off an first (uh stranger near my child??) but she had me remove him and she completely reinstalled my seat (in the center…. I didnt know!!) then fit my baby correctly in his seat. I was so grateful to her for stepping up when it was probably uncomfortable to do so, but not ever making me feel stupid or like a bad mom. Thank you to all of you who are able to inform and HELP without attacking. You are the ones who truly effect change!
Thank you, Jennifer! Ultimately, great teachers are the best role models. And one of the first and most important sections of the certification curriculum for CPSTs clearly states that the primary role of a technician is to educate and teach. It then goes on to discuss the caregiver’s role in regard to best practices and choices. HOW you teach the caregiver is so important to which choices they make. Most parents just aren’t receptive to a “do or die” message where the line is crossed from education to forcing the technician’s choice upon them.
There is, in fact, a standard spelled out in bold in our curriculum. “As a CPS Technician, you can never support a caregiver in either breaking the law or going against manufacturer instructions. In cases where the caregiver does not make the safe choice, document it on the Check Form.” It definitely DOES NOT say, “As a CPS Technician, you can never support a caregiver in going against best practice. In cases where the caregiver does not make the safest choice possible, use every method available to change their mind and enforce accepted safest practice policy.” At the end of Module 2 is a great highlighted section with an Example of Best Practice education. It clearly gives a lot of latitude for Zeal, but instructs us not to be a Zealot, at least based on the definitions in our guest blog.
Thank-you for this post! Beautifully said. I continually strive to be a positive role model.
Taking no credit for this analogy – I saw it somewhere on the interwebs – this fits nicely with your post:
LIGHTHOUSES
Car seat techs are like lighthouses!
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over the island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining”.
It’s a perfect way to look at a lot of things in life.
I am so glad that this has finally been written out loud. Like Christine, I too have stepped away from the big FB groups because of just what you describe. I feel that the situations that have shades of grey are where the real education happens.
Thank you for your perspective and for writing it. I am not a CPS expert. I’m a mom trying to make the best choices I can. I got very turned off by two FB groups I joined for help when the advice they were giving other people was black and white as you mentioned. It does no good to make people feel like horrible parents – parenting is hard enough as it is! Acknowledging the nuances in real life is so important!
Hi Anna, I am sorry to hear that. Even with everyone on social media these days, there is nothing like in-person interaction with a technician for help! We know facebook’s format promotes misunderstandings and moves so fast that these things happen, even at our own facebook group. Sometimes admins miss things. Sometimes it’s other visitors who give harsh advice and we try not to censor opinions as much as possible. Other times, even our admins, including me, can make mistakes in trying to determine what is important to parents, or what we think they might be receptive to hearing. And sometimes it’s just a matter of ineffective communication because facebook promotes quick responses that don’t always give the necessary context.
Our philosophy is to do our best to welcome questions and NOT to make parents feel bad about safe choices, even if they aren’t the safest possible ones. We don’t always succeed, but our volunteer admins do make every effort as their time permits. This isn’t unique to carseats, but happens in communities on many parenting topics. My apologies if you had a bad experience on one of our social media outlets.
It took me a few years before I could detach and not get so upset when seeing less-than-perfect car seat use (and of course, coats in car seats). Now, I just take a deep breath, accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and summon the wisdom to know the difference. Amy, you are a wonderful soul, putting your own “money where your mouth is.”
Very well written! I love my tiny collection of starfish jewelry to remind myself “It matters to this one…”
I’ve scared away a few people at my work, and truly regret losing them. I adapted my approach and people search me out now for advice and help, that’s a great feeling 🙂
Terrific post, Coleen!
This. This. This.
Thank you for putting into words what I’ve struggled writing myself. I’ll be sharing.
Thank you. Seriously.
Jamie
Thank you SO much for writing this, Coleen. It is excellent.
Christine – We could use more of that attitude on the CSO Facebook page. Just sayin’. 🙂
Bravo Coleen, bravo. You said what needed to be said better than I ever could.
This is why I have left all the facebook car seat groups. There are plenty of zealots in those groups to answer questions. I am tired of being accused of a bad tech because I don’t see things so black and white and rigidly ruled. I prefer to help answer car seat questions in other groups.
Amy, don’t make us report you to the child passenger safety police for an advocate “adjustment”! 😉
Until people are ready to put their money where their mouth is, I think they need to be ready to take a step back. I almost always have an extra seat in my truck to give away to someone in need “out in the wild”. I have given a seat to the single mom on food stamps in the Walmart parking lot who’s child had grossly outgrown their infant carrier. I don’t see what good it does to get up on your pedestal and come on fb and say omg, this is what I saw today other than to make yourself feel good.
This was extremely well written Colleen!! I also have older kids and have been around for many years on car-seat.org. I cringe whenever I see someone who I assume is new to the cps world harraunging a parent over their forward facing two year old or boostered 5yo. Every day I drive over to the bad side of town to pick my kids up from school and I see things like Itty bitty 9 month Olds in lbb, 7 kids piling into a 5 seater car or preschoolers hanging out of the front window with no seat belt and I wonder where these people live where having a 2 yo properly restrained in a seat isn’t a win for cps. I’m sure they would all gasp when they hear that I let my 9yo, who is bigger than me, ride up front so he doesn’t have melt downs and I can actually leave the house with him. I just think like all things, sometimes a bit of perspective is needed.
Thank you, Coleen, very well said!
This has been an issue on social media even before Facebook, though certainly to a much lesser degree. We see it at Car-Seat.Org from time to time and frequently on our Facebook group. Many advocates are well meaning, but sometimes we all get carried away with our passion. We sometimes don’t realize that the choices we made for our own kids just aren’t the best ones for someone we are helping! Carseats are no different than many other subjects where people ask for advice. Sometimes, they already have made a decision and are looking for justification. Other times, they are genuinely open to advice, but have a lot of pressure from a spouse, friend or relative to do something less safe. Or maybe they just want a quick solution to one particular issue and don’t want to be counseled on something else at the time.
Regardless of the reason, the WORST thing we can do is force the safEST choice on them, when another safe alternative is clearly the one they want to accept. Why? Just like you said, you may win that battle, but the war will be lost the moment they leave. They will change it back to however it was and be outraged at how they were treated and simply not seek advice on the topic again. So many times we have seen this online, where parents are turned away only because of an advocate’s attitude and the child is ultimately no safer (or even less safe) than they were when the parent came for help. And that’s our goal every time we provide a parent instruction and installation help, in person or online: that child should remain safER after they leave than when they arrived.
Of course we should educate on options that are the safeEST, but if the caregiver is not receptive, then leave them as choices and help them with the safER option that does appeal to them! Many times, it’s not just what we say that is important, but HOW we say it that will win the war and keep that child safer now and every step of the way as they grow into other carseats. And if the parent was treated politely and with respect, they may well re-consider that safEST option you gave them:-)
You & Colleen have said it all so very well. 🙂