You know how when your kids get older, they want you to stay away from them in public so you don’t embarrass them? I distinctly remember wanting my mom to park at the VERY end of the pick up line when I was a freshman in high school because she was always singing and dancing in the car while waiting and I was paranoid someone would see. Because obviously your life is ruined if you mom sings Hootie and the Blowfish, right? Well the more experience I have with raising a kid, the more gung ho I am about making your kids deal with your embarrassing habits and suck it up, because guess what? It is sweet sweet revenge. Revenge for the millions of times they embarrassed you in public when they were younger. Unfortunately you don’t have the option of telling your two year old to go to the opposite end of the check out line so no one will know he is yours. Therefore, when he turns 16, he can’t pretend you are not his.

In the last month alone I can count three times I wanted to do a combination of melting into an invisible puddle and laughing hysterically. Two instances happened today. The first was a few months ago. We were strolling through the mall and an older lady was walking towards us dressed head to toe in yellow. I’m talking BRIGHT yellow. A complete pants suit. With yellow heels and a yellow hat. She was also very, uh, sturdy, and easily towered over me. For one reason or another, she decided to say hi to Liam. Liam is usually very outgoing and will immediately put his hand on his chest and say, “Me Liam”, caveman style. This time he started screaming, clinging to my leg and yelling, “Wook! Help mama! Big bad banana!!!”. People were staring, because he was screaming like someone was pinching him. The Bad Banana Lady gave us the dirtiest look I’ve seen in awhile and stormed past us. Liam, relieved, let go of my leg and said, “Whew, all gone.”

The next two were today at Costco. We were walking to get eggs when a woman on one of those motorized scooter things whizzed by us. Liam yelled very loudly, “Wook! It’s the big sick lady on Wall-E!”. Apparently she very much resembled one of the boneless meal drinking people on the hovercraft things on Wall-E. He would NOT stop talking about it and of course she happened to be on every aisle we needed to go down. I was very relieved when we finally got to the check out line. Liam likes to push the cart onto one side of the register while I stand on the other to pay. The woman boxing things up was talking to him and he was chattering away. Suddenly, I hear him go “Wook! HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” in his crazy little laugh. My heart sank because I know that laugh. That is the laugh of his latest and greatest joke he’s picked up since potty training. I’ve been doing my best to ignore it in hopes he would stop and never do it in public but obviously that didn’t work. I meekly peered over the register to find my son standing with his hands on his hips, front of his waistband pulled down and tucked so he was dangling out for all to see. “Wook! Peeking!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”. I  silently vowed to kill Shaun for laughing the first time he ever did that, because if he hadn’t, maybe this public display of two year old glory wouldn’t be happening. I don’t think I’ve ever moved around a register so fast, but I’m pretty sure he was only exposed to air for maybe 5 seconds before I grabbed him. Fortunately the bagger had two boys of her own and didn’t seem too traumatized, but I’d be lying if I’m not considering making my kid wear diapers again.

Wish me luck because when he wakes up, we have to go to Target. Sigh.

Maybe if I disguise him enough, someone will just think he’s a random awkward man?